My Constant Thoughts

Depression is a darkness that lies deep within me.  Anxiety drives me to deeper into my madness as the demon on my back pours poison into my ear leaving lies and deceit.  He tells me, “No one wants to hear your problems… you are not good enough… you are not smart enough… you are not worthy…”  The words resonate deep into my soul and escape feels impossible.

People say, “Get off my back Satan,” or “Shake it off.”  Words are easy, but action takes courage and strength.  Finding that courage and that strength can be difficult.

I think a lot of people do not understand depression or anxiety and how it effects the person who is suffering through it.  These people are standing on the outside and see that you are struggling.  They want to help, but they do not understand what you are going through or how to help you.  But these people, no matter how hard they try, cannot help you unless you help yourself.

Depression and anxiety are diseases like alcoholism and can lead to alcoholism.  You go through this pain and you find what you can to cope on your own.  As a teenager, my form of coping was not talking to anyone about what I was going through.  My coping mechanism was to secretly cut on myself.  I replaced one pain with another.

Fear kept me in hiding and kept me silent.  I allowed myself to let the “disease” to control me and take over.  When it took over, I did things to myself.   When I came back I would find cuts, or that I was in the bathroom with lipstick all over my face. I would clean up and hide everything, because of fear.

You can take control of your depression or anxiety, but the first step is the hardest.  It’s the same step that any addict goes through.  You have to admit that you have a problem.  You have to admit it to yourself.  You can tell other people all you want that you have a problem, but until you yourself take possession of that understanding the disease will control you.

I have been under it’s control and that first step was the hardest I ever took.

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