Tag: Anxiety

I Hear the Secrets That You Keep…

There are people who tell themselves, and others, that they don’t keep secrets. Some of this may be true, while others have a dirty little Personality Disorders that make them think they’re being honest. Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) creates these differences in how you feel and react to things that happen in your life.

My Personalities

I can see how they would think that someone with BPD may have Split Personality Disorder, or Manic depression with the way that you behave. The oscillating from one emotion to the next with little or no warning. But that’s just the tip of the iceberg for someone with BPD.

Someone with BPD keeps secrets, but these are special secrets because people with Bpd don’t know they have them.

BPD can blind the person from the truth of their feelings and emotions. The world can start spinning by the person and their emotions out of control. They see it and feel it happening, but they don’t understand.

The subconscious can hold keys to many things, and that’s not just physiologists talking. There are Shaman who believe that they can journey through the realm of the sleep. But dreams no matter how small or large may offer an answer to those questions you’re asking.

BPD keeps the person who has it in the dark from the true inner feelings and emotions. That person could land in an unhealthy relationship or do something harmful to themselves without ever realizing that it’s all been a lie.

Learning about BPD has been an awakening experience for me. It’s as though I have heard the secrets that my mind has kept from me. The reasons why I have done what I have with my life and the true reasons behind a surge of emotions.

I am in a long term relationship. I have been for five years. He is a supportive man who has gotten me through rough mental patches and rough health patches. But I kept having this feeling of sadness and emotions well up inside of me.

I realized that my BPD had me too afraid to end the relationship. Worse, it kept me from expressing things that were a problem for me. I was accepting his reasons for things and allowing him to cross my boundaries.

I would get angry and blame myself, but the truth is more than the bottled emotions. It’s more than me accepting things to avoid an end to a relationship. It’s accepting things that are not acceptable to me, for the sake of the other party.

I am working to address the issues with my boyfriend, but hearing the secrets that I keep woke me up.

When I started this post, I had not yet awoken to this realization. The meme I posted and the song helped me to make this realization. It took me a while to finish this post and face up to the secrets that I keep. But here it is.

Life Changes

Life changes are defined as events that happen in your life and have a major effect on how you live your life.

People hate 2 things in life, change and the way things are. They, also, only argue over 2 things in relationships, sex and money.

So, with those out of the way…

Life changes are scary. You may be getting married, you may lose a family member, you may be graduating from school, a love relationship may be ending, you may be moving, you may be having a child, or you may be changing jobs. No matter what it is, it is a change and it is going to be scary.

I will be graduating from college in April 2018. I have been in college, off and on, since August 2000. I know that 18 years is a long time to go through college and get your undergraduate degree, but I had a lot of life changes that led to changes in how I was going to or school or if I was going to to school.

In 2002, my dad lost his job, I was engaged and decided to make the move back home to my parent’s house and work on finding a job while I was in school. I got married in July 2003, I started my career with my current job in August 2004, I got a horse, I got a dog, and started going to school part-time. I started taking my mental health issues seriously. Then on October 16, 2013, my husband and I separated after I broke my foot.

The separation was a huge wake up after being married for 10 years. My angel, Nemo my Papillon dog, got me through all of it. He went on trips with me. He cuddled me and he cared for me. The divorce led me to quitting school for two years. It, also, led me to a class offered at my parent’s church called Beginning Experience.

Beginning Experience (BE) is a non-profit non-denominational organization started to help people who are going through or have been through the end of a love relationship. The end of a love relationship can mean death of a loved one, divorce, or separation. The program was a two-year, meet once a week with a small group recovery program. This program changed my life.

The first few months in the program was difficult. I did not want to go. I did not want to face the truth. I did not want to face myself. I felt humiliated. I felt ashamed. I felt like a failure.

But… I did go. I forced myself to go and my friend encouraged me. I learned that I was not alone in my feelings and that I was not the only person that felt humiliated, ashamed and like a failure. In fact, a lot of people were going through all of the feelings I was going through.

The second term, the introduced a book to us called Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends by Bruce Fisher EDD and Robert Albert, PHD. This book takes you through the many different steps that you go through when your love relationship ends. There are many steps, more than Alcoholics Anonymous, and you find yourself bouncing from one step to another. You go back three blocks and go back through one, that’s ok. Everyone does. This book taught me a lot about Life Changes and how they effect your life.

Life changes are scary. You are comfortable with the way things are and when they change you’re not sure what you’re going to do.

I lost my dog in 2016 and I do not think that I could have made it through that change in my life, had my boyfriend not been there for me. I realized that I finally had the right person in my life when I realized that if anything happened to my dog that I was going to be OK. I relied on Nemo for almost 11 years to help me through everything and I finally had a person I could lean on when I needed someone. Someone who wouldn’t buckle or try to buy me happiness. Someone who truly can make me happy.

Someone who brought me back to GOD and helped me to build a stronger relationship with HIM.

So, when you are facing a Life Change… REMEMBER… you are not alone and you don’t have to hold the reins. Let it go, and give it to GOD. PUT it at the Cross… HAVE FAITH that God will guide you to where you need to be.

I started writing this post feeling anxious about facing my graduation date and finding a new job. But I took that, wrapped it up, and put it at the Cross. I prayed, “God, I need you I can’t do this alone. Help me!”

God does not answer directly. He sends things into your life. You just have to have the Faith and the open heart to receive it.

Fitness day…. umm… 6

I have been wearing a FitBit with a heart rate monitor for a little over 2 years now. I have an iPhone and an iPad, but I chose FitBit over an Apple Watch because it monitors your heart rate 24/7. I wanted this option, because I have an inappropriate sinus tachycardia arrhythmia. Which means I’ve a heart rate that will go up with no good reason and then when I exercise it goes up and does not want to come back down. I thought I was out of shape or asthmatic, because my lungs were always so tight and I was short of breath. It turns out after wearing a heart monitor for a month and a stress test that it was my heart.

Needless to say, I chose the FitBit option for the constant heart rate monitoring at first. I started with a Charge HR, that I wore out. I wanted to get a Smartwatch after my Charge HR began coming apart. Everyone I knew had an Apple Watch, but I was also loyal to FitBit. Especially, after I read a story about a man who’s life was saved by his FitBit.

A man went into an ER having problems with his heart. He showed the doctor the data his Charge HR had collected and the doctor was able to determine that his heart was beating irregularly. The doctor was able to shock the man’s heart back into rhythm and save his life. Needless to say the FitBit’s selling point of constantly monitoring your heart rate was big for me.

But like any goal… there will be set backs and moments where you don’t quite reach it. I must admit. I’m having a wee bit of trouble, but my FitBit is throwing some motivation to do it.

Day 2, physical exercise

I am the sort of person that likes to be busy.

When an object is in motion, it stays in motion until acted upon by an equal or opposite force.

I like having my riding lessons and barn days. I like kayaking on the serene lakes of Oak Mountain State Park. I crave the adrenaline rush of riding my mountain bike through the woods at Oak Mountain. I crave the feeling of water when I am swimming.

Winter dampers outdoor activities with the lack of daylight and the cold it brings.

Yesterday, I committed to starting a cross training physical activity program for myself.

I started with a dusky, dark bike ride through the lamp lit streets of Homewood. I rode my cyclocross bike, because I can hop curves, off-road, and still have good on road performance. I knocked out 4 miles and it soothed my cravings for thrashing bike trails some. When I finished I felt relieved, relaxed and happy.

Today, I had class until 7:30 pm and felt that was too late for a neighborhood bike ride. Instead, I went to the Rec Center and did a simulated hike in an elliptical machine. I did a 30 + minute work out and felt muscles burning I didn’t know existed. I will admit a real hike would have been more fun, but it was nice to watch some TV.

Now, to see if I can keep this up. My Fitbit does its part to remind me to get up and move, but it’s hard for me to motivate myself to the idea of a stationary cario machine. I may try a shorter cardio workout next time and work in some long overdue weight training.