I just don’t know

Anxiety the evil little demon on my back that I just cannot shake off. My mental and health issued make me feelike I am an unfit person.

I feel like I don’t deserve to be in any relationship and that I am a burden to all those around me. It makes me want to become a hermit and find myself a nice little secluded house where I can practice my witchcraft, or at least that’s what people will think.

Lupus is not helpful in the emotional department. It causes anxiety, depression and mood swings.

I realized some time ago that, in the words of another person, I am not a breeder. I didn’t want kids with my ex-husband who now has two with his new wife. Years go by and I’m in a relationship with a guy who has two kids.

I find myself absolutely hating myself when I’m around them, because I always say something wrong and the animosity o have for the situation with their mother just comes out.

The kids come 4 days a month and want to spend hours on the phone with their mother who doesn’t pay attention. Then they get into their fake “I love you so much” rubbish and it just makes my ass hurt.

I’m finding it increasingly more difficult to deal with the children as my levels of anxiety climb up on the third story roof. I got a puppy and they drive me crazy doing things I tell them to not do. I want to share my puppy, but I also don’t want to.

I remember after I got divorced and found out that my ex-husband had shared my dog with his new woman I was furious! I didn’t want her around my dog or to have anything to do with him. He was my dog!

My boyfriend is trying to do with the puppy, but sometimes I feel like he just doesn’t get it. The truth is that he will never get it like an animal lover does.

So, here I am in a relationship with a guy who seems to like my puppy and says he wants me around. He insults me saying no stay up too late playing videogames as though I do it every night. I feel like he’s judging me for playing late one night a week on my off days.

It all comes down to… I just don’t know anymore. Which leads to me wanting to be alone. Wanting to be selfish and do for me.

But that’s bad and it’s not allowed. I just don’t know what to do.

Is it ever enough?

Sometimes I wonder if everything I say or do will ever be enough.

I remember a song that sang about love “being enough to make it from me to you”. I can’t place the song, but I think it has effected my thoughts and feelings on a lot of things. When is anything ever enough?

Love relationships are difficult and for a long time I didn’t believe in love. I had plans of joining the military and being alone. I was a “cold, heartless bitch”. I have been cruel dating guys and when I got married, I thought that maybe he could love me enough for the both of us. I was wrong, but I still think that I’m wondering about love.

I have a restless mind that wanders and goes places. It’s helpful in writing a fictional story, but it comes with some dangers.

I began writing a story and it is about a man who is in a loveless relationship and falls in love with someone else. I began writing the story about the man, because of a vibe or feeling I got from looking at a picture of a friend. His eyes portrayed the basis of this character.

Before I knew it i had created a female character that reflected what I wish I had. A condo on my own, a good paying computer programming job and traveling for work. In creating these characters, I found myself opening up subject I had shut away so long ago.

I met my friend and felt a crush, but never said anything out of respect for his girlfriend and child. I shared my story with my friend and a subsequent FaceTime call opening back up those unexpected feelings. But we’re separated by thousands of miles and are both in relationships.

Both of us have issues with our current love relationships. It’s nice to have discussions where we make each other feel good about ourselves.

I know that I love my boyfriend and wants to be with him, but sometimes I feel like his personality and mine make it hard for it to be enough. He’s not open about his feelings and doesn’t vocalize that he notices me. It’s often that feeling of strangers in the night.

I run into a guy from work that I’ve seen, but don’t know at a local state park. He tells me we work together and introduces himself. I become flabbergasted, because he recognizes me despite my kayak and get up.

My friends tell me that he’s noticed me and/or has watched me. It makes me feel flattered that I’m noticed, but in the same step I feel like my boyfriend doesn’t pay me that attention.

I want this love to be enough to make it from my boyfriend to me, but the silence does make me wonder if that is truly how he feels. Or if I’m this good thing in his life that he can’t quite commit to and it’s not his past relationships that ended with bad divorces.

What if I am his rebound that fixes him and he doesn’t want to commit, because of my mental illnesses or short comings.

So, when I get attention from other men it fills gaps, but should there be gaps? Shouldn’t there be enough love from him to make it from him to me?

Self-Image

I do not have a very good self-image of myself. I think that I am fat, I think that my nose is too big, my skin is plagued with acne, my calves and thighs are huge, and that my feet are hideous. There are times that I think that everyone I know or love would be better off without me.

I mess up plans, I let curse words slip in front of small children, and sometimes I have unacceptable behavior. I’m a failure at almost anything and everything in my mind. I’m the lowest form of being in my mind, most especially when someone is mad at me.

With that said… Anytime a guy pays attention to me in a manner of flirtation, I am going to be completely oblivious!

I have Lupus, so my hair is thinner and has changed a lot. This means that I wear it in a ponytail or twisted up in a hair clip about 99% of the time. Which does not help with my self-image at all. 

I wore my hair down last week and a co-worker made a comment about it.  My boyfriend told me he was “fishing”.  Which blew my mind.  Why would someone want to “flirt” with me?

Saturday, I was getting ready to launch my kayak with my puppy at a local state park.  A guy who’s Australian Shepard had been swimming noticed me and said, “Hey, we work together.”  I felt flabbergasted, because due to my Lupus I am covered nearly head to toe with clothing. Hair up under a hat, dark sunglasses, long sleeve shirt, long pants… hidden away.  As Sherlock Holmes says in a Game of Shadows, “So overt, it’s covert”.  He introduced himself to me and I felt completely awkward.

How did he recognize me? Why would this guy want to talk to me? 

So many questions plague me, because I have so much self doubt and such a poor self-image of myself.  This all being something that probably lead to poor marriage and later divorce.  Why am I so hard on myself?  I don’t know.

But maybe I shouldn’t be so hard on myself.  Maybe I should look at the positive side of the fact that men are feeling the need to talk to me. 

Breaking the Silence

I was diagnosed with Lupus on April 15th. I began a new medication to help with some of the symptoms and told to cut Gluten and Sugar from my diet.

For years, I have suffered from pain and swelling in my legs. My feet, my ankles, my knees… I was told that I had a venous insufficiency. I went to a vascular surgeon who completed an ablation of a vein in my left leg and later added a stent in the Illiac Vein in my left leg. The last time I visited him, he couldn’t tell me why my legs were still swelling and so painful.

Hypoglycemia snuck in about the same time. The endocrinologist could not tell me why I had it. The doctor suggested that it meant that I was going to be diabetic.

For 20 + years, I suffered from endometriosis. I had a hysterectomy at the age of 35.

I was diagnosed with an arrhythmia 4 to 5 years ago. I started having problems with breathing, chest pains and went to my cardiologist. Things that could not be explained with my heart condition.

So, the diagnosis was the answer to a lot of questions and problems in my life.

The only thing is, now life is a little more difficult. I can no longer eat the same food as the people around me. I have to plan my meals and eat separately.

Not being able to eat like everyone around you, makes you feel like an outsider. Having an autoimmune disease only adds to the fire of feeling like an outsider.

It’s strange how when your young they beat it into you that you need to eat right and exercise and you’ll be fine. When you get older, you thumb your nose at those ideas. You eat what you want and you gain weight… It’s all just part of being American.

You get older and smarter and realize that what you were told as child was correct. You start eating better and exercising, but all of that gets frustrating when none of it seems to help you to feel better. It makes you reject the eating better and exercising, because you become angry and disillusioned.

Disillusioned is where I was when I learned that I have Lupus. Where I am now is feeling frustrated again. I need to not eat Gluten or Sugar to avoid the other health issues that are related to Lupus, but it’s so hard to be around everyone else who are eating what they want.

It’s so hard to describe the feelings and what it’s like to be so different from everyone around you.

I have to work on getting past those feelings.