“What have I become?”

When you go through the end of a major relationship, be it a love relationship or friendship, there are is a road to recovery you have to travel. It’s not an easy road. It’s painful and you will come to a point at which you have to look at yourself in the mirror.

This mirror is akin to Dorian Gray’s portrait. It will show you everything about yourself that you know, but fear. The truths what you suffered (or allowed) in your relationship and what you have become. Will you see a Monster in your reflection?

“I’m a f@#*ing Monster”

I was in a relationship for over 10 years with a person that I consider to be a Narcissist. This was something I learned about after he left me and divorced me in 2013. I had to pull myself together and look at myself and what I had become.

I had become a a self-loathing shell of my former self. I had allowed fear to dictate my actions and I wanted to die to get out of the relationship.

“Oh, what it takes out of me to lay by your side. Oh, how it aches and it aches You make me wanna die. I gotta kill you, my love I gotta kill you, my love. Oh, what it takes out of me to lay by your side…”

Monster – Meg Myers

Before he left me, I wanted out. I was raised Catholic and we had married in a Catholic church so the idea of a divorce was disastrous to me. I was raised to believe that marriage was forever and that you fought through the good and the bad. I realized that in my relationship I had become invisible and was ignored.

“You said forever, Now you look right through me. You said forever. Did your words fall short like you? What have I done?”

Monster – Meg Myers

“My love too much…”

I realized that we had promised together forever, but those were words he no longer meant for me. He continued saying that he loved me for a while after he left me and I had to make him stop, when I realized he was just doing it to make me feel better.

I thought I loved him, but when it all came crumbling down around me I decided that love was not real. Love was this fiction fed to me through books and television. Hallmark Channel was the devil and a lie. I turned to my darker side and fell into self-destructive behaviors.

I have recently learned that self-destructive behaviors are common for people who suffer from borderline personality disorder. A disorder that I was recently diagnosed with. I believe that my love relationship was destructive to me and I didn’t realize it. I allowed it, because I didn’t know better.

My Mirror

I faced the Monster in my reflection and I was not the person I used to be. I had become a self loathing person, who preferred to hide in the shadows and lie. I decided to start attending a divorce recovery group and it was the hardest thing I have ever done.

The road to recovery is a bumpy one and there is only one person you have to be honest with, and that is yourself.

One response to ““What have I become?””

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