All THESE Words

All these words, words, words, 
You mean none of it.
You tell me things that you think I want to hear,
But all I hear is your words, words, words.

I am falling deeper into my pit of darkness. 
The fire beast and demons are dragging me down,
I fall ever deeper into despair. 
But all I hear is their words, words, words. 

I do not know if I can resist,
Letting go is the easy.
I will release you of the burden I am,
But I can still hear your words, words, words.

But wait... you are upset.
You mean your words, words, words.
You say that I am not a burden,
and that it is a decision I cannot make for you.
I understand all these words, words words.

I climb from my pit,
With dirt under my nails.
The fire beast and demon shrink away from the light.
The light that you spread with your words, words, words.

Words by me

Words

I have always found words to be very important to me. I have always enjoyed writing and learning new words. But that does not mean that school was smooth sailing for me.

I always struggled with being able to read. My mom attributed the struggle to a change in the reading program when I was in Kindergarten. The reading program was changed in the middle of the year, and I struggled. Under the guidance of the school professionals, my mother had me repeat Kindergarten. It was not until later in life that I realized that I had indeed been held back.

I thought that since I had done 3 year old Kindergarten and 4 year old Kindergarten that there was 5 year old and 6 year old too. Looking back now, I remember struggling through that first year and not really getting the math or the reading. I remember struggling.

The repeated year went better, but I struggled again in 1st grade and almost failed. My mother went up the food chain and I was allowed into 2nd grade. I did well in 2nd grade. I excelled in all of my subjects, but some “political” things happened with the other parents and a petition was signed to have my mother removed. My mom had volunteered to be room mother for my class and my sisters, when no one else would. The petition was torn up by the pastor of the church over the school, who believed it to be a ridiculous notion.

My mother, knowing when she was not wanted around, made the decision to remove my sister and I from the private school and place us into the city schools. The transition was not kind to me.

I struggled with every subject. I was so frustrated with everything. I was sent to the counselor and was tested to find that I had a learning disability. They offered that there was a possibility that I had Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) , but my mom did not want me to be on medication for the rest of my life so she shot it down quickly.

School was always as struggle for me and the better I got at my writing, the more I wrote. I wrote poems, I wrote stories and I just wrote anything and everything that came to mind. My math teacher in 11th grade made note of my constant writing.

I took the standard tests needed to go to college and found myself passing the writing section, but failing the math and reading sections. Timed tests were always the worst for me. I would second guess myself and misunderstand things. Often, I would just do like the guys from the Summer School movie and just fill in bubbles in hopes that I might get some right. I never scored high enough on the SAT or the ACT to be able to get into any college I wanted.

I passed the Alabama High School exit exam, but that was because it was written at an 8th grade level and I could do what it asked for. But the SAT and the ACT had me doing things that were beyond my knowledge and my anxiety did not like it. I would freak out about the timer and I would freak out about not knowing how to do some crazy math problem.

I may have not done well on those crazy tests, but my senior year I wrote a research paper on a Poem. The poem was Ode on the Death of a Favourite Cat Drowned in a Tub of Goldfishes by Tomas Gray. The school’s library had a version of the modern computer card catalog, but I still used the card catalog. I found books about Thomas Gray and the poem.

I put everything together and created my rough draft to turn into my teacher. My teacher returned my rough draft with a note that if I could support some of my claims I had written about with a cited document, then I would have an A on my paper. I did as she asked and turned in the first research paper that I had been so proud of.

I never stopped writing or drawing. I carried it on into college and found myself doing well in my Literature and Writing classes. I did well in most of my classes.

Words and Depression

An article was published in Clinical Psychological Science in 2018 by Mohammed Al-Mosaiwi and Tom Johnston of the University of Reading. The article is entitled In an Absolute State: Elevated Use of Absolutist Words Is a Marker Specific to Anxiety, Depression, and Suicidal Ideation .

The researchers conducted text analysis using computer programs. This test analysis was done based on earlier research that showed that certain words were used more frequently by people suffering from mental disorders.

The computer program was set up to look for negative words and Absolutist words. The data returned from depression and anxiety form showed the use of Absolutist words was higher than negative words. The study ” suggests that absolutist thinking may be a vulnerability factor”[1].

Here is a list of the words identified in the study:

Absolutist Words [1].

• absolutely
• all
• always
• complete
• completely
• constant
• constantly
• definitely
• entire
• ever
• every
• everyone
• everything
• full
• must
• never
• nothing
• totally
• whole

There are two words on that list that my boyfriend does not like, because his ex-wife constantly used them. Those words are: always and never. These two words were used often in arguments and were used because the other person didn’t have a foot to stand on. It aggravates him when his children, who have learned from their mother, use these words.

“We ALWAYS do what he wants to do…” or “We NEVER get to do what I want to do”. These statements usually end up with my boyfriend and I looking for proof that was always or never do something. It usually ends with the kids not having much of an argument.

Aside from those two powerful words, the others I have had an occasion to use them in my writing. It brings to light the power words can have.

The study may be helpful for helping people who suffer from depression. I found out about the article from an article published on Tonic, Facebook was kind enough to show it to me.

The article was published by an author of the study on Tonic. Please read his article for more information.

https://tonic.vice.com/en_us/article/xw58ea/depressed-people-use-these-words-more-often

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[1] Al-Mosaiwi, Mohammed, and Tom Johnstone. “In an Absolute State: Elevated Use of Absolutist Words Is a Marker Specific to Anxiety, Depression, and Suicidal Ideation.” Clinical Psychological Science, vol. 6, no. 4, 2018, pp. 529–542., doi:10.1177/2167702617747074.  Copy of Published Article