Don’t Put The Blame on Me

The Human Condition

I have been struggling with my mental health and finding my way out of the darkness and back to the light. I know I’m not alone in this struggle, but sometimes it’s difficult to not blame myself for everything. It’s so easy for me to shoulder the burden of blame.

The quote, “To err is human, to forgive is divine” by Alexander Pope is used to describe the human condition. We, as humans, all make mistakes and the ability to forgive others is something that is taught as children. Sometimes this is based on religious belief, but often it comes back to holding a grudge can be unhealthy. This all sounds good on paper, but I’ve found it’s so much easier to forgive other people over myself.

My biggest struggle with mental illness is my self-hate and self-blame. Something goes wrong with plans, it’s my fault. Something breaks, it’s my fault. My boyfriend catches me in these moments and he reminds me how I am human and most is out of my control. But if he’s not there, how do I loose my noose?

The Mirror

Take a look in the mirror and what do you see

“Human” Rag’n’bone Man

The eyes are believed to be the mirror of a person’s soul, or in some cases to be a window into a soul. There are many different types of mirrors in the world, but some days just looking in the mirror is the hardest thing to do for me.

The fitting room mirrors with the bright, fluorescent lights are designed to help you make decisions on clothing, but sometimes I feel like these are more honest than what I have at home. I find myself alit with bright lights in clothes I had thought might look “ok” on me and I see more than what is before me. I still see that little girl that is lost inside.

A girl who is lost and unsure of the world around her. Someone cannot cope with the heat of emotions in her home and desperately looking for a way out. A girl who hides in the back of closets behind clothes in the darkness, waiting for the arguing or yelling to stop.

My boyfriend recently told me “that as an adult” I should know how to control my emotions, but some of them are so strong that they elicit a panic attack. I can’t breathe, I can’t see, I can’t stop the choking feeling in my throat as it feels like it is swelling. I become that little girl again. Standing in the back of the closet hiding in the dark, behind the clothes.

I blame myself for my emotions, causing them and the reaction I cannot control.

Losing Control

When my emotions peak, things come to my mind that I have to push away and push hard.

When I was thirteen, I started dealing with the heavy thoughts of things being my fault. Thoughts of imperfection and a hopelessness that I would never find a way to make my loved ones happy. I struggled alone, and the fire beast talked me into cutting myself.

The beast feeds on the darkest thoughts and waits for me to waiver. When it all seems like it’s too much, I feel a desire to pick up that knife, put it to my skin, and draw blood.

I know that these thoughts are something I have to push away, but it’s so hard to do when I am weak. But when the emotions are strong, I waiver. I look at my friend of so many years. But I just want the pain to end. I want the pain to stop

Getting Help

I started seeing a new counselor in June. I was skeptical at first about the help, but I knew that I needed help. This would make the third or fourth person I had seen with my problems.

I pushed through the anxiety and fear. I found myself with someone who could teach me how to deal with my emotions. My counselor taught me that as a child I had not learned how to deal with my emotions. Which is something my boyfriend had told me I should have learned how to do as an “adult”. My counselor took the time to go through the emotions I was feeling and taught me how to regain my composure without hiding in the back of the closet.

Borderline Personality Disorders (BPD) are often traced back to the family of origin and how a person was raised to deal with emotions and feelings. Not everyone grows up in a home with parents that are mentally stable or know how to deal with emotions themselves. Often a person with BPD can be a direct result of parents with BPD.

I understand that both of my parents have some form of BPD, but I can’t lay the blame on them. “I am only human,” they are “only human after all” and I cannot put the blame on them or my blame on them. The best way for me to get better is to remember that we are only human and that blaming accomplishes nothing.