Borderline Angst

Life Fact

People hate two things… CHANGE and THE WAY THINGS ARE.

Change is an inevitable fact of life. Life itself has so much to bless you with, so let us spice it up with a touch of change. Once you are all settled and used to everything, something has to change.

Changes got real and quick when the pandemic hit, but those changes were just added to me dealing with other things. There’s that doctor’s bill I keep putting off, that headache I’ve had since two weeks ago, and pepper it with other life stressors… It’s inevitable that the Anxiety Beast is going to show its ugly head.

I am already dealing with a poor self-image, I don’t need the added acne! I don’t need my physiology to tell me that I am anxious or upset about something. I already know it!

So, Mister Anxiety Beast, why are you here to annoy me?

I was diagnosed with Migraine Headaches in August of 2021, but my ENT (Ear Nose Throat) doctor told me that my headaches were neurological last year. It took months to get into a Neurologist! I had multiple referrals done and it was not until I went to my General Practioner (GP), who tried to treat my headaches, that I finally got the referral that landed me in a Neurologist’s office.

It was not until I started filling out the questionnaire for the Neurologist that I realized just how abnormal my headaches were. Add the discussion I had with the Physician’s Assistant, that I vaguely remember because I had a migraine, and in crept the realization that I did not know what normal was.

The word “normal” is not a good descriptor for things in my vocabulary, because to me there is no normal. There is the normal for you, the normal for him, her, and every individual. In this sense, I am aiming for the normality of a defined headache. My definition meant I was having approximately two to four a week, if not more. I was constantly taking Advil, Aleve, or Tylenol to get rid of some sort of headache.

In the fury of taking NSAIDs, I destroyed my stomach and developed a condition called gastritis. A lovely condition that flares up anytime I take the tiniest amount of an NSAID. So, I learned after a Laprascopy that I could no longer take NSAIDs without getting horribly sick. Needless to say, this lead to an increase in headaches and sinus surgery in an attempt to alleviate the said headaches.

I find myself saying, “Nobody ever told me that wasn’t normal” when I talk about my headaches. But in the defence of whomever, the “nobody” is, I don’t think I ever explained how often I was having headaches.

So, there is a major change. I am now going to a Neurologist who takes my headaches so seriously I am now getting Botox injections quarterly. It’s a good development or life change, but then there’s the life peppering.

My truck started saying it was overheating, randomly, in April. My mechanic made a fix and it kept saying it was overheating. I dropped it off over Memorial Day weekend and got it back about two weeks ago. My truck had a malfunction where it thought it was overheating, but in actuality, it was not overheating. Between parts shortages, due to the Pandemic, and the quandary my truck decided to create it took a while to get it fixed!

I get my truck home and the back windows, which I knew had issues, rolled down accidentally and had no intention of rolling back up. I took my door panels off, and under the guidance of my mechanic replaced my regulators (he told me what part I needed). After replacing the regulators, I realized that I had to replace the switches or my windows would be forever rolling down and not going back up. So, now I’ve replaced the switches and one of my doors handles on the back doors is not working correctly.

There’s a saying that “God never gives you more than you can handle”, but sometimes I feel like my breaks are far and few between. It’s moments like these when that jerk of an anxiety beast shows its ugly face.

So, here I am. Just a girl standing in front of her mirror wishing away acne like a teenager. I can’t give up, I can’t back down. I have to keep going! I must be the pheonix.


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