There is a darkness that becomes an old friend to those who suffer from depression. The darkness takes many shapes and forms. A devout Southern Baptist Christian may tell you, “It’s the Devil,” or “It’s a demon on your back.”
The darkness is different things to different people. What matters is how you deal with the darkness. Do you give in? Do you fight it? Do you live with it? Do you let it define you? The questions go on.
Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) hit me when I was about thirteen years old. I have memories of moments of feeling disconnected from myself. In these moments of disconnection, I would do things to myself. The things I would do to myself ranged from harmless to potentially dangerous. Then I would come back to myself, and realize what I had done.
I remember everything from those moments, even though I felt like I was on the outside watching myself. When the moments ended, I had to clean up or make whatever happened disappeared. I did not dare talk to anyone about what happened, because I felt like pariah, a social deviant within my own home.
I felt like I was burden to those around me, so I hid it all. I tried to ask my dad for help once and he told my mom about it. My mother became upset and asked me, “Do you realize what it would do to me if you killed yourself?” This only added to my burden, so I kept it to myself.
I let the darkness in and as the song “Hurt” goes, I hurt myself “to see if I could still feel”. The pain would ground me, bring me back and help me feel again.
The feeling comes and goes. Medication and therapy has helped a lot. Learning about my BPD has been the biggest help out of everything I have done.
The darkness isn’t gone, but I watch him and I have plans on how to deal with him.