Faith is a topic that a lot of people do not find comfortable. It makes people twitch, fidget, and in some general form or fashion feel uncomfortable. Well, I am not here to tell anyone what he/she should believe. If you choose to read my post, great! If you don’t, that’s fine but please do not hold it against me that I have found solace in feeding my Faith.
I am not theologist, I am not a minister, I am not a church official of any kind. I am a person who has simply discovered the peace and happiness that comes from growing a relationship with God.
With that said… this blog is me sharing my experiences in my life, this is just part of that journey…
Faith is not something that is easily maintained. You may be raised to believe in God and to believe this that or the other. Some people can maintain their faith from childhood through their adult lives without any major struggles. But the truth is, there is no one who has ever not struggled with his/her faith.
There are trails in the lives of believers. Trails that will shake and waiver what you think and/or believe. My biggest trial was living with my ex-husband who questioned my religion and what I believed. He looked at the Bible as a collection of allegorical stories that had been complied to teach people lessons. I suspect that he missed the learning part himself.
His lack of Faith or lack of wanting to be with God drew me away from church and from God. He made me question everything I thought I knew or believed. He broke my faith and he broke me.
After my divorce, I joined a non-denominational divorce recovery group called “Beginning Experience”. It helped me heal and brought me back to God. I started trying to go back to church, but I felt like I no longer belonged. I felt like I was lost and maybe I was lost in the desert roaming around like Moses.
I prayed to God for help getting back to him and with help making a life changing decision. I have endometriosis and I had fibroid tumors. I could not decide if I wanted to go through my robotic hysterectomy on my own. I felt like I needed to know from God if I was intended to have children or not. I prayed and I asked him to send me someone to be with that had no children if I were to have them or send me someone with children if I was not intended to have them.
I realized through my divorce recovery program that I could not mentally handle the challenge of having children with my ex-husband. I just could not have children with him. Together, we had a dog that had glaucoma and needed lots of care. He was not very helpful in caring for the dog. He did not help finance the doctor’s visits, the medications, the surgeries, or help give the medications. I had to do everything and pay for everything myself. I would look at the price of baby things and think, “I cannot afford that…”. I know that in having children you figure these things out, but with him I knew that it was going to be a huge sore spot. The trash, dishes and laundry were huge sore spots already…
It was amazing how clear everything became to me when I went through my divorce recovery program. One of the things that was quite clear, was the fact I could not make these huge decisions on my own and I needed God’s help. So, I asked God to send me someone that could help me make big decisions.
One fateful day, I ran into my now boyfriend. We had gone to high school together and graduated together. It had been 15 years since I’d seen him and, to me, he was as handsome as ever. He was in the drive thru at the local Chick-fil-A collecting money for the special olympics. He was standing there with a bucket looking just as cute as ever. We had a brief discussion and he asked if I knew anyone that went to a local church. I said that if he could not find anyone to go with him that I would go, because I was looking for a new church. I gave him my phone number and it went from there.
My boyfriend has children and is the kindest person I know. He helped me make the difficult decision to have my hysterectomy and helped me through my recovery. He helped me through the loss of my dog. Most importantly, he helped me find my way back to God.
It was not until some months later that I confessed to him that I had prayed to God for an answer and that he was my answer from God.
Since then, I have learned a lot about opening my heart up to God and the scripture by doing Bible Studies.
My favorite bible study is an online study called “Women’s Bible Study”. The lady who teaches does a great job of relating things to me on my level. She tells goofy jokes. But most importantly, I am learning to stop being selfish and look for the big picture. That God has something bigger planned for me and I don’t know what it is.
The current study I am doing is called “The Wilderness Deception: the story of Moses”. I have learned about Moses and that people go through their seasons of “wilderness”.
My current season of wilderness is dealing with my dog’s diagnosis of heart failure. I very depressed for the last couple of days and yesterday I stopped myself and made myself pray. I apologized to God for being so selfish and not being open to the bigger picture and to his help. I asked him for his help and I asked him for the strength and knowledge I need to get through this trial. Because… I CAN’T DO THIS WITHOUT HIM!!!
Here is a link to the Bible study I use:
My Journey with Depression and Anxiety 