Sometimes I wonder if everything I say or do will ever be enough.
I remember a song that sang about love “being enough to make it from me to you”. I can’t place the song, but I think it has effected my thoughts and feelings on a lot of things. When is anything ever enough?
Love relationships are difficult and for a long time I didn’t believe in love. I had plans of joining the military and being alone. I was a “cold, heartless bitch”. I have been cruel dating guys and when I got married, I thought that maybe he could love me enough for the both of us. I was wrong, but I still think that I’m wondering about love.
I have a restless mind that wanders and goes places. It’s helpful in writing a fictional story, but it comes with some dangers.
I began writing a story and it is about a man who is in a loveless relationship and falls in love with someone else. I began writing the story about the man, because of a vibe or feeling I got from looking at a picture of a friend. His eyes portrayed the basis of this character.
Before I knew it i had created a female character that reflected what I wish I had. A condo on my own, a good paying computer programming job and traveling for work. In creating these characters, I found myself opening up subject I had shut away so long ago.
I met my friend and felt a crush, but never said anything out of respect for his girlfriend and child. I shared my story with my friend and a subsequent FaceTime call opening back up those unexpected feelings. But we’re separated by thousands of miles and are both in relationships.
Both of us have issues with our current love relationships. It’s nice to have discussions where we make each other feel good about ourselves.
I know that I love my boyfriend and wants to be with him, but sometimes I feel like his personality and mine make it hard for it to be enough. He’s not open about his feelings and doesn’t vocalize that he notices me. It’s often that feeling of strangers in the night.
I run into a guy from work that I’ve seen, but don’t know at a local state park. He tells me we work together and introduces himself. I become flabbergasted, because he recognizes me despite my kayak and get up.
My friends tell me that he’s noticed me and/or has watched me. It makes me feel flattered that I’m noticed, but in the same step I feel like my boyfriend doesn’t pay me that attention.
I want this love to be enough to make it from my boyfriend to me, but the silence does make me wonder if that is truly how he feels. Or if I’m this good thing in his life that he can’t quite commit to and it’s not his past relationships that ended with bad divorces.
What if I am his rebound that fixes him and he doesn’t want to commit, because of my mental illnesses or short comings.
So, when I get attention from other men it fills gaps, but should there be gaps? Shouldn’t there be enough love from him to make it from him to me?