I just don’t know

Anxiety the evil little demon on my back that I just cannot shake off. My mental and health issued make me feelike I am an unfit person.

I feel like I don’t deserve to be in any relationship and that I am a burden to all those around me. It makes me want to become a hermit and find myself a nice little secluded house where I can practice my witchcraft, or at least that’s what people will think.

Lupus is not helpful in the emotional department. It causes anxiety, depression and mood swings.

I realized some time ago that, in the words of another person, I am not a breeder. I didn’t want kids with my ex-husband who now has two with his new wife. Years go by and I’m in a relationship with a guy who has two kids.

I find myself absolutely hating myself when I’m around them, because I always say something wrong and the animosity o have for the situation with their mother just comes out.

The kids come 4 days a month and want to spend hours on the phone with their mother who doesn’t pay attention. Then they get into their fake “I love you so much” rubbish and it just makes my ass hurt.

I’m finding it increasingly more difficult to deal with the children as my levels of anxiety climb up on the third story roof. I got a puppy and they drive me crazy doing things I tell them to not do. I want to share my puppy, but I also don’t want to.

I remember after I got divorced and found out that my ex-husband had shared my dog with his new woman I was furious! I didn’t want her around my dog or to have anything to do with him. He was my dog!

My boyfriend is trying to do with the puppy, but sometimes I feel like he just doesn’t get it. The truth is that he will never get it like an animal lover does.

So, here I am in a relationship with a guy who seems to like my puppy and says he wants me around. He insults me saying no stay up too late playing videogames as though I do it every night. I feel like he’s judging me for playing late one night a week on my off days.

It all comes down to… I just don’t know anymore. Which leads to me wanting to be alone. Wanting to be selfish and do for me.

But that’s bad and it’s not allowed. I just don’t know what to do.