Self-Image

I do not have a very good self-image of myself. I think that I am fat, I think that my nose is too big, my skin is plagued with acne, my calves and thighs are huge, and that my feet are hideous. There are times that I think that everyone I know or love would be better off without me.

I mess up plans, I let curse words slip in front of small children, and sometimes I have unacceptable behavior. I’m a failure at almost anything and everything in my mind. I’m the lowest form of being in my mind, most especially when someone is mad at me.

With that said… Anytime a guy pays attention to me in a manner of flirtation, I am going to be completely oblivious!

I have Lupus, so my hair is thinner and has changed a lot. This means that I wear it in a ponytail or twisted up in a hair clip about 99% of the time. Which does not help with my self-image at all. 

I wore my hair down last week and a co-worker made a comment about it.  My boyfriend told me he was “fishing”.  Which blew my mind.  Why would someone want to “flirt” with me?

Saturday, I was getting ready to launch my kayak with my puppy at a local state park.  A guy who’s Australian Shepard had been swimming noticed me and said, “Hey, we work together.”  I felt flabbergasted, because due to my Lupus I am covered nearly head to toe with clothing. Hair up under a hat, dark sunglasses, long sleeve shirt, long pants… hidden away.  As Sherlock Holmes says in a Game of Shadows, “So overt, it’s covert”.  He introduced himself to me and I felt completely awkward.

How did he recognize me? Why would this guy want to talk to me? 

So many questions plague me, because I have so much self doubt and such a poor self-image of myself.  This all being something that probably lead to poor marriage and later divorce.  Why am I so hard on myself?  I don’t know.

But maybe I shouldn’t be so hard on myself.  Maybe I should look at the positive side of the fact that men are feeling the need to talk to me.