My Sanctuary

Recharging the Batteries

I am an ISTJ, which stands for Introverted, Sensitive, Thinking, Judging.  This is one of the 16 personality types identified by Katherine Briggs and Isabel Myers.

ISTJ indicates a person who is energized by time spent alone (Introverted), who focuses on facts and details rather than ideas and concepts (Sensing), who makes decisions based on logic and reason (Thinking) and who prefers to be planned and organized rather than spontaneous and flexible (Judging). ISTJs are sometimes referred to as Inspector personalities because of their focus on details and interest in doing things correctly.

ISTJ in Depth

Sometimes the most difficult thing for me to do is to recharge my batteries.  I get worn out going to Walmart or a grocery store and I find it difficult to find the energy to finish what I’m doing.  This makes a lot of things in my life difficult.

I want to go out and spend time with family and friends, but some, like my boyfriend, are extroverts and get energized from being out in the world with people.  I find myself wanting to avoid family events and parties.  This difficult, because some times the family gatherings come to me.

I show horses and my barn acts like a family.  We go to meals together and, of course, shows together.  Often the different personalities and the outgoing personalities wear me out.  I find ways to avoid spending too much time around strong personality types by doing barn chores, but sometimes that’s not enough.

My truck is a 2011 Chevrolet Sliverado LT 2500 HD Z71 Duramax.  His name is Archy, after the character in the 2008 movie RockNRolla by Guy Richie.  When I first saw this truck online, it had all of the bells and whistles I wanted.  A good stereo system, electric adjustable pedals, diesel engine, and radio controls on the steering wheel.

When I first bought the truck I was intimidated, but I have grown to love and enjoy every bit of it.  For me, it’s more than just a means of transportation for me and hauling horses.  My truck is my fortress of solitude.

People thinking I am crazy, because I would rather travel alone in my truck than have someone ride with me.  But when I am alone in my truck, I don’t have to worry about offending anyone with my book or Audible books.  I can turn up the volume as loud as I want on my favorite song or book.  Plus the hum of the diesel soothes me even in my most anxious of moments.

My truck does what I ask and more.  It’s reliable and the sound of the Duramax humming brings me peace.  I can get in, turn on the engine, set my cabin temperature, and lean my seat back for a nap.  The engine will hum on and let me sleep.

My cabin is quiet and I have peace even when I need it.  I have cried alone in my cab more than I would like to admit and I have had moments of anger and frustration there as well.  If I need to talk to someone, the Bluetooth connection allows me to talk to people without having to hold a phone.

When I bought my truck in 2013, I did not know how much happiness I would find in this truck.  It has done everything I have asked and more.  My boyfriend wants me to push past my anxieties and introversion, but it’s always good to have a place where I can go and find relief.

Why does it matter?

Holiday Blues

I went shopping at Walmart last week and went through the Garden Department.  The Garden Department is host to bicycles, gardening tools and now pre-lit Christmas trees.  So, it’s not quite Thanksgiving, but the trees are illuminated and the decorations are getting set up.  I guess that means we’re skipping holidays?

It made me sad to see the Christmas lights going up.

Why sad?

It means the year is almost over.  It means that time has passed by.  I’m another year older… and I still don’t feel any wiser.  But I guess this “wiser” is something that is perceived by the viewer.  But I am at the: What have I accomplished? What have I done with my life?  What have I achieved?  Why does it all matter?

I can answer the what’s, but it’s the why I struggle with.

Why does it matter?

I have been thinking about this question since I started writing this post.

We live in a world where people define themselves by their accomplishments. Getting married, having children, having that job of all jobs… I used to think that “accomplishments” like these were what defined me. My boyfriend snapped me out of it and taught me that things like that don’t define who I am.

This year I have had many accomplishments… I graduated from college, I began a new career, I have made steps to better my health.   These accomplishments may be outside of the social norm, but that social norm seems a tad antiquated.

There was a time when women were expected to marry and have children, but that was how life was in that time.  I have heard stories of those women going crazy, in a time when psychological disorders were misunderstood, and they poisoned their entire families.  In that time, it was necessary to have children and a family because that was how you worked your farm.  Today, things are different.

I think that the social norm that a woman is expected to be married with children by the age of 40 is old fashioned and over rated.  As my ex husband used to say, “People our age are either having children or getting divorced.”  Perhaps, this is all due the antiquated societal way thinking.

People get married trying to produce that fabulous family of 2.5 children and those marriages are rushed.  Those children are had trying to fill that ingrained need to be fruitful and multiply.  I think that this is not the best thing for our society.  So many of those marriages end in divorce with children going between the parents.  I, also, think that even in today’s world there are women who have children and do not want them.

I had two huge problems with having children with my ex-husband.  One of the problems was knowing good and well I would have to fund the child on my own, because he was not to be bothered with helping take care of the financial strains of our dog’s ailments.  The second was that I was afraid that once I had my children I would resent them and not want them.

I think that if I had had a child with him I would have loved it from the start and done anything for it like I did for my dog.  I know that now from how I am with my boyfriend’s children.

Conclusion

Christmas is the sign of the end of another year.  Don’t let society dictate what your life’s accomplishments should be and measure your accomplishments by what defines who you are as a person.  Find what makes you happy and grow that.  Don’t be afraid of being a social Praia, because you are you and that is more important that anything society has to say.