Self-Blame

What is Self-Blame?

Selfblame is a cognitive process in which an individual attributes the occurrence of a stressful event to oneself. The direction of blame often has implications for individuals’ emotions and behaviors during and following stressful situations. Self-Blame definition

I have a tendency to blame myself for everything that happens to me or around me. I accept responsibility for things I cannot control and sometimes it becomes a very heavy burden.

A burden that turns into depression, anxiety and a list of mental illnesses.

The hardest part is being open about that fact that I am blaming myself.  It’s hard to tell people that you know and love that you have huge burden.  It’s not a burden anyone placed on you, but it’s self-inflicted.

Did I cause my dog to get sick and get to the point I needed to put him down?  No, but I have found myself hitting myself very hard with some blame.  Thoughts like, “I wasn’t there enough… I should have been there to take care of him… I should’ve done more…” plague my mind.  But this is not the end.

I find myself worrying about making other people sick or being a burden on other people.  I keep things hidden and deep inside, because I don’t want to be a ‘burden’.

My Burden

I suffer from mental illnesses and I have other health problems as well.  I tend to “wear the mask” to put people and ease.  I fear that if they know what is really happening that I will be come a burden.

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I know that I am not alone in the fact that I blame myself for things and hide the fear of becoming a burden to other people.

I have learned that I do not get to decide if I am a burden to someone or not.  That is not a decision I can make for another person.  The next step is to realize that I can’t control everything and I am not responsible for everything.

In this thing called Life, things are going to happen that I have no control over and it’s important to realize that I am not to blame for when everything goes wrong.  When my dog is sick, it’s not my fault.  It may become my decision to make on whether or not it is time to end his pain and suffering, but I am not the cause of the problems.

My boyfriend may be upset, but that does not mean I am the cause of it.  The problem could be work related, family related or something completely unrelated to me.  I may get it into my head that I am a burden on him, but he reminds me that isn’t a decision I can make.

My relationship with my sister is strained and frayed.  But blaming myself will not find me a resolution.

Positive Affirmations

I have decided to start writing down positive things that are in the affirmative that I am not to blame for everything.  I, also, started reading a book called “The Storm Inside” by Sheila Walsh.

It is important to remember that with the Lord, you are never alone.  Anytime you feel like you cannot hold back the storm and its rage, you have to remember you’re not alone.  Especially, when you are going through something difficult or traumatic.

“The Lord is near to the brokenhearted, and saves the crushed spirit” – Psalm 34:18.

Sometimes, the feeling of being alone feels so dark, deep and endless.  Sometimes, your support system you reach out to isn’t available to help you with your problem.  But, you are not alone when your heart is open to God.  No matter what you face or what you are going through God is there to help you along the way.

I’ve heard it said that “God puts people into your life for a reason”.  The reason could be that you need someone to talk to about what you are feeling or you need someone to help you through a tough time.  The Bible talks about seasons and things turning.  Seasons bring different people into our lives, but it’s important that one remain constant.  That constant needs to be God.

In conclusion, I am going to work on my self blame by writing some positive things about my life down and by looking to God for guidance.  One day at a time, is all I can do.

 

 

 

 

 

Loss and Pain

I have not made a post in a while.  I have had a few things in my life.

Loss of a Loved One

On June 30th, I had to make the difficult decision to put my dog down.  My dog had a heart murmur, a collapsed trachea and heart failure.  He and I fought through one bought of heart failure, but his heart murmur had grown worse and he could no longer breathe without the aid of an oxygen tent.

I held him and sang to him as I let him go.  I sang the Lyrics to a song I had not listened to in years, so I made a lot of it up.  I made up a rendition of the song “Fly Away” by Poe.  I told him that I would never forget him and that everything was going to be fine.

YouTube to “Fly Away” by Poe

downloadLyrics

It makes sense that it should happen this way
That the sky should break, and the earth should shake
As if to say: Sure it all matters but in such an
unimportant way
As if to say:
Fly away, sweet bird of prey
Fly fly away
Nothing can stand in your way
Sweet bird, if you knew the words
I know you’d say: fly, fly away
It makes sense that it should hurt in this way
That my heart should break, and my hands should shake
As if to say: Sure it don’t matter except in the most
important way
As if to say:
Fly away, sweet bird of prey
Fly fly away
I won’t stand in your way
Sweet bird, if you knew the words
I know that you’d say: fly, fly away
It makes sense that it should feel just this way
That you slowly fade and yet still remain
As if to say: Everything matter in such an invisible way
As if to say: It’s O.K.
Fly… away

The Darkness

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Pippin, my sweet mutt that I rescued as a senior dog on July 30th, 2016, brought many things to my life.

He had been found as a stray roaming the streets of Huntsville, Alabama and was picked up by a local rescue.  He was placed into a foster home and was given medical treatment before he was put up for adoption.

June 18th, 2016, I had lost my 10 year old Papillion Nemo and I wanted to give another dog he opportunity for a loving home and care.  When I got Pippin, he was a sweet weak boy who didn’t know what affection was or what it meant to be carried around in a bag.

He settled into my parents home with me and their dog.  They would bicker over food time, but things were worked out and they learned to live with each other.

I would come home pick him up and he started to lick my face when I did that.  His affection grew as time past, but after six months he was diagnosed with a collapsing trachea, then a heart murmur and later heart failure.

His second gotcha day came after he had passed.  Even now, my heart still aches some as I write this.

Living with Depression and Anxiety

After Pippin passed, I received a comment on a post saying that I needed to find God and that all of my depression and anxiety problems would go away.

Image result for in the darkest hour when the demons come

God is good, all of the time.  I believe that with all of my heart.

But THIS is my struggle.

THIS is my wilderness.

THIS is what God has given me.

Two Words

Two words define what a Christian is: Calling and Called. God calls us to Him.  God gives us all a calling to fulfill in His name.

God pushes into these times of struggle and anguish.  It’s what we do with it that defines us.  You may be facing something difficult in your life and you may be ready to quit, but remember that with God all things happen for a reason.  This reason is often not obvious to us.  It is important to remember to reach out to God and ask when the road ahead is not clear.

Instead of asking, “Why am I going through this?”, ask instead, “God, What do you want me to do with this?”

In my struggle, I have to remember to reach out to God and find the faith to ask what He wants me to do with what he is teaching me in my time in the “Wilderness”.

Asking for Help

I am not good at asking for help when I am struggling.  I know that there are probably millions of people out there that are like me.  But remember that God knows your true intentions in your heart, even if they are not spoken aloud.

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It’s hard to be the person you are meant to be, if you ignore everything God is giving you.  God speaks to all of us in different ways, but one of the ways you can connect is through reading your Bible.  The Bible is filled with His words and His love for all of us.

It’s hard to remember all of this when the darkness seeps in.  I remember the lyrics to “Brother Love’s Traveling Salvation Show” by Neil Diamond.  In this song, he gives a small sermon for ‘Brother Love’ and he says that God gave you two hands.  One hand is to reach out to Him and the other is to reach out to your brother.  Because we have got to help out each other.

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If you know someone that is suffering with depression.  Be patient with them.  Love them.  Be everything that Love is according to the Bible to that person.

Raise Awareness

I play World of Warcraft and my guild is trying to raise awareness and funds for American Foundation for Suicide Prevention.

I’ve attached a link to our game event, which has a link where donations can be made toward the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention.

Rosie’s Events

If you want to just donate to our team cause, here’s a link: Donate Here.

We are trying to raise $1,000 and we have raised $20.00. Please help us raise funds for the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention.

It Hurts Parents to See Their Children Unhappy

 

I am not a parent, but I am a child.  I am not a parenting expert or an expert child, but I do have some experience with this thing called “Life”.

Hardened Hearts

Related imageMost teenagers feel like their parents are “out to get them” or are keeping them fro

m being able to do things.  Small children feel like they do not get anything from their parents.  I think the following e-card about sums it up:

Life has a way of putting people through things that causes hearts to harden.  This hardening causes us to miss what is right in front of us.  It causes us to become unable to see things for how they truly are.

Image result for hardened heart toward parentsThe heart misses the fact that there are people who love you so much that they would give up everything to make you happy.  This kind of love is unconditional and is not easily broken.  This is the love that a parent has for a child.

Life effects everyone in different ways and sometimes life can cause people to close themselves off from the ones who love us most.  As young adults or teenagers, we let the thoughts of others influence how we feel about our parents.  Letting these thoughts cause animosity or dislike for our family.  These things may be true or they might even been falsehoods.  Once the mind believes it the heart follows closely behind.  Leaving it hardened and withdrawn.

Even though the heart is hardened and the mind is convinced that the child “hates” or “dislikes” his/her parents, the parents never changed from being the people that he/she adored as a small child.  Outside influences change us and there is no way of avoiding that fact.  These influences are “Life” and sometimes things happen that are very painful or hard to deal with.

Related imagePerfection?

No one is prefect, no family is perfect, but in God’s eyes

we are all perfect.

Sometimes, when a hardened heart is developed it is missed that we are all imperfect and it is for our imperfections that God sent his only son to die for our sins.

Sometimes our hard heart covers up the truth and we miss everything.

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Protecting our Hearts – Wilderness Deception – Mosses 15

I have been watching these connect the dot Bible studies by Lisa Liazure.  There is particular study I have been listening, and I hadn’t in a while, that is called “The Wilderness Deception”.   This is a study about Moses and he trials and tribulations that he, himself, and the Israelites went through in the desert.

God comes to us in many ways and for me it as been through these online studies.  I started this post and went back to started to listen to it last week.  Lesson 15 talks about protecting our hearts from being hardened.

Here is a link to the lesson on YouTube: Protecting our Hearts

Here is a link to Lisa’s handout that goes with the study so you can follow along with the scripture and have some notes to help guide you.

Here is a link to the Women’s Bible Study website.  She has many, many more studies and special guests.  This Bible Study has truly helped me to grow my relationship with God.

Let’s Open our Hearts and Minds

I pray that all who read this open their minds and hearts to God’s love and purpose.  God has a purpose for all of us and love for all of us. We cannot receive either His love or purpose without first opening up our hearts and minds.

I pray that my post helps to soften hearts and open them to love from God and to love from Parents to a child.  God’s love is strong, but so is the love of a parent.  I pray that my post reaches those who need it most.

In Jesus’s name, I pray all these things and more, Amen.

 

Burdens of the Heart

An Empathetic Heart

No matter how many times I tell myself to be strong and stand up for myself, I find it difficult. My heart is huge and wants to see the absolute best in everyone and everything. I’ve let people in that have hurt me and it’s just not in me to be angry.

What it Means to Have the Heart of an Empath

This article talks about what it is like to have a heart of an Empath. What it’s like to be sensitive to the people and the things around you.  I know there are a lot of skeptics that don’t think that people can be sensitive to others feelings.  But as a Christian it is what God calls us to do.

1 Peter 3:8 ESV 

Finally, all of you, have unity of mind, sympathy, brotherly love, a tender heart, and a humble mind.

1 Thessalonians 5:11 ESV 

Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing.

Colossians 3:12 ESV 

Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience,

Ephesians 4:32 ESV 

Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

What Does the Bible Say about Empathetic Heart

In order to be a Christian, our hearts must be open to God and His gifts.  God gives us gifts that can sometimes feel like burdens.  These burdens are part of our purpose.  Like the Israelite’s and Jesus, we too must have our trails in the desert.  It’s up to you to find your way through.

Cicadas in the Morning

Life in the South wouldn’t be complete if you didn’t hear cicadas in the morning.

These bugs are kind enough to let you know that “it’s warm out today” and, as all is Southerners know, that’s what it was yesterday and will be tomorrow. They’re tiny little Captain Obvious(es) letting us know that our air-conditioning units are well worth their weight in gold.

The thing about these bugs is that they only make their noise in the summer months. Another thing is that they she’s their exoskeletons and kids like to play with them. That part creeps some people out and I remember not wanting to touch the husks as a kid.

I remember David Letterman doing a bit where the audience member was picked to look at a picture to say if it was a cicada or if it was John Cecada. Needless to say, it was a close up of something hairy. I don’t suspect anyone here has ever looked at a cicada close enough to care it had hair. In fact, if a Southerner is close enough to look at one they’re going to kill it.

You must kill a cicada quickly. If you do not, it makes a horrible noise as it flops about trying to escape. Or attack. All I know is they become irradic and loud when you are killing them, so make the death swift.

In short… You know you’re in the South and it’s hot when you hear the cicadas making their mating calls.

It’s Time to Exercise More

Summer Heat

I live in Alabama and today’s high is 86 degrees Fahrenheit , but let’s add in the two wonderful factors of the Heat Index and Humidity. The current humidity is 62%, so that means that my sweat will not be evaporating and cooling me. My sweat will be leaving my skin slick and sticky. The Heat Index is adding about 4 degrees to the temperature. The clouds that accompany the humidity are trapping “Ozone” gasses in the valley between Red Mountain, Shades Mountain, Ruffner Mountain, and Double Oak Mountain giving a nice air quality alert. The clouds have also been kind enough to amp up the UV Index.

“Oh the HUMIDITY!”

Well, let’s take that nice, warm and fuzzy feeling that comes for the heat of the south and add in the factors of physiology. I have a heart condition that requires me to take a beta blocker and my cardiologist believes that I have peripheral artery disease (PAD), so I’m on Crestor. What do these two medications do? Well, according to some doctor that talked to the American Heart Association, it will make me more prone to having heat stroke or heat related issues. Yay… not.

So… the heat is draining me and making it hard for me to function outside, but I want to function outside. What can I do to make myself more functional? Hmm… Exercise?

Exercise?

I enjoy many outdoor activities and plan on using some of those activities to help me to get into a better shape to face the heat. As it stands, I need to loose about 20 lbs (if not more).

I have a theory that if I exercise outside, that perhaps my body will adapt to the heat and it will not bother me as much. The heat has been affecting my horseback riding performance and stamina. It’s, also, been affecting my heart condition. Now… I will say that I have not consulted my physician, but he knows I like to do outdoor activities.

My torture of choice will be cycling. This will include mountain biking, road biking and whatever is in between. I am hoping to do some swimming and kayaking as well, but the cycling will allow me to work on stamina.

Step one, will be to get the bike(s) ready to roll. Two, have recently had tune-ups and two have not. I believe one should be good to go without anything major, but the other one needs some TLC.

Accountability

Oh boy. I can get going on something and my ADHD takes me off in another direction. I have enlisted a buddy to do road cycling with. I hope that we will be able to hold each other accountable and get some riding done. We both want to get into shape and feel better. Plus, it gives someone to ride with so I am not alone on the mean streets.

S.M.A.R.T. Goals

Just kidding…

This is not the required capstone class that makes you write out goals and think them over, so I am just going to make the goals the way I want and I’ve already explained them. So on that note….

Good night everybody…