“I came to get hurt…”

I often find myself inspired to write by songs. I have taken this pretty deeply into a story that I’m writing where pretty much every chapter is inspired by a song. Every once in awhile, a song pops into my head and I find myself looking up the lyrics.

The Gaslight Anthem has a song called “Get Hurt”. The song itself is about mourning the end of a love relationship. The chorus line starts with, “I came to get hurt.”

Self-destructive behavior

When I was first divorced in 2014, I went through what i called a “self-destructive” phase. I was raised Catholic and marriage was blood in and blood out. I was divorced, I was a failure, I was pariah, I was a social outcast.

I think that these are thoughts that people with depression and anxiety face all too often. It doesn’t take anything major to being in the thoughts. Sometimes, it’s as little as making a mistake that causes someone unease or saying something that’s of no consequence to the other person, but it burns away at your insides.

There are times when things are so low and dark that it just seems easier to be destructive to oneself. Self destruction can be self-harm, drugs, alcohol, or “loose conduct”. Every person has their own means of self-destructive behavior, something that stays quite well hidden.

When that moment of darkness seeps in, you find yourself at the point of “I came here to get hurt”. It’s not an easy feeling to shake once it gets it’s teeth into you. It feels easier to just let go and let it happen.

Climbing out

The pit is often difficult to climb out of. Which makes the name “pit of dispair” quite apt. You reach up and pull only to fall back into dispair and into the darkness.

I started attending a divorce recovery group and found that everything I was telling myself was wrong. I developed a new look on my life and found myself questioning a lot of things about the Catholic Church. I started to grow and look for new knowledge.

The most important thing about getting out of the pit, is changing your mind set. This is sometimes very difficult task. It’s often hard to see a forest for the trees.

It’s important to find inspiration in something that can pull you up and out. I have a had time finding this for me, but as I began finding inspiration in music to write, I turn to it for help. I have one song, which is probably a very strange one, that always makes me smile.

The song is called “Hurdy Gurdy Man” by Donovan. It’s the theme song to the show Britannia, where I first heard it. I have positive memories of the show and the song just makes me happy.

Find your happy.

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